Posts Tagged With: rundon’twalk

1 out of 5 stars for The Baller by Vi Keeland

The Baller: A Down and Dirty Football NovelThe Baller: A Down and Dirty Football Novel by Vi Keeland
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

Ugh. No.

Look – this book had a lot of potential. What’s not to like? Super hot and talented football player and equally hot and talented reporter fall for each other. Let’s make it happen.

But man – in the end, what WASN’T wrong with this book? Okay, so here are the reasons why I, personally, pick up a book like this (in no particular order).

1) For the laughs
2) For the sex
3) For the characters/story

If it can grant me, honestly, even one of those three, then I’m pretty happy. If it can give me one of those three without irritating me with other things, then I’m really happy. This book didn’t do ANY of it in the end.

Let’s review:
1) For the laughs – there was some serious potential here. I mean, a cocky, sexy football player? and when he first meets the reporter he drops his towel? That scene made me laugh for sure. It was perfectly awkward. Annnd that was pretty much the only time I laughed in this whole book. The rest of the jokes were just blah. I mean, Brody made a joke about wanting to “eat” Delilah like 100 times. Original. Not.

2) For the sex – the sex sucked. No really – I know you think I’m joking, but I’m not. It really, really sucked. First off, it was dragged way too far out and when they finnnnally bumped uglies it was just that – ugly. It was rushed and didn’t even make a lot of sense physically. And that was probably the best sexual encounter of the book. Most of it was just glossed over, to be honest with you. At one point the author literally said “many hours and multiple orgasms later” – uhhh, HELLO? I don’t pick up a book with THAT cover to have you skip that shizz! Light it up, lady!

3) For the characters/story – this genre doesn’t always have the greatest reputation for characters and stories and I’ll admit, sometimes I’m okay with generic or cliche if it means I get numbers 1 and 2. But It still has to WORK. Ultimately, this book was just sigh-worthy. First off, cocky and arrogant Brody fell way too hard and way too fast. I mean, honestly, why? Apparently Delilah was love at first sight? Even though we later learn he was still hung up on his girl-next-door-druggie-whatever-that-was? That was a stretch.

Regardless, Brody was just a shell of the ‘perfect’ guy. Hey, ladies, I’m super hot and arrogant but oooh wait no I’m really super sweet and caring and do everything perfectly. Gah. The attractive cockiness dissolved into stupid one-off (not funny) comments and we were just left with a super sensitive man with muscles. Boring.

And don’t even get me started on Delilah’s mess of humanity. She made no sense. At ALL. I mean, Delilah was doing a sex ‘cleanse’ but then claimed she didn’t ever have sex with anyone without being in a relationship first? Uuuh, okay? Then he can’t be with Brody because she never gave up on her old fiance who died? I mean, I guess but that only came up halfway through the book. And what was the point of her fear of flying? No point. None. I kept thinking it was going to matter but it didn’t. It didn’t even matter for a funny scene. Stuff like that really irritates me in stories. Make people’s quirks matter!

I’m not even going to mention how the book ends. Not the last real chapter and not the epilogue. I was ROLLING my EYES so hard they almost popped out, I swear.

There is lots more I can complain about, but I’m going to leave you with my one really big, HUGE, issue with this book. There is no FOOTBALL. NONE. A couple of stats are thrown out here and there but otherwise we see NOTHING. And the man plays (and wins!) the damn SUPER BOWL.

I just. I cannot. Stop before you start here, people.

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Book Review: Earth Abides by George Stewart – 1 of 5

Earth Abides
by George R. Stewart


My rating: 1 of 5 stars


Normally I make it a point to keep my reviews free of spoilers, but with this I just couldn’t.  There were too many going-ons that need to be revealed.  Even if you haven’t read the book, I think you should still read this review – I don’t really care if I spoil it. I don’t wish this book upon anyone.

Call me an uncultured swine but I think this book is dirt. It’s one of those stories where the main character has too much damn self-knowledge. We as readers just sit there and watch as the main dude knows everything about himself and everyone else. The reader doesn’t get to figure out anything on her/her own. Instead we have to watch Ish-the-Magnificent watch everything around him. This, in theory, may be interesting except the man never changes. He just thinks the same obnoxious things over and over again.

I kept trying to speed the audiobook up to x2 so I could get through it faster but the narrator sounded so silly I had to turn back down. I never felt anything and was,therefore, bored. Society goes to pieces and I calmly read on. I don’t care because the protagonist doesn’t care.  He’s so stoic and thinks through everything without a shred of emotion. For crying out loud, Ish’s parents are dead, Ish’s KID dies, there’s a massive plague that wipes out his favorite son and other UNNAMED CHILDREN, and he just doesn’t care. It’s insane and infuriating.

Even with that aside, let’s just say that’s just how the main character is. I thought I was going to rip out my hair on two main points…

1) The Society (or lack-thereof) – What is this insistence that everyone else is stupid and that no one in his little tribe would care about anything, ever? The idea that this group of people would raise a whole family of children and only Ish, over the course of 21 years, would have the idea to teach them anything at all is stupid and offensive. No one thought learning to read was a good idea? You don’t have to be a magnificent scholar believe in education and history and society. The concept that this group of people could just lie around for years and years and do NOTHING – no hunting, no planting, no improvements, nothing is the most unrealistic thing I have ever heard.

I know this sounds dramatic but, according to the protagonist, he is the only person out of a group of about 30 or so people who think that reading and writing are valuable.

Dumb. Just dumb.

2) Just Die Already – The last however-many pages where Ish is an old man by myself? I was listening by audiobook and I swear for the last half hour of the book I was certain he was going to kick off and he never did. It was agony. I just didn’t care.

There was about 50 pages near the end where I thought maybe, just maybe this book would earn two stars. But the ending dissolved that completely.

I think I should probably stop here – I have so much I can rant about (somehow these supposedly uber-lazy people managed to train dog teams to drive sleds around the city? I just- I can’t- just no.  The impossibility of such a thing is straight up laughable).

My final word? Unless you’re just aching for some faux, boring as all hell philosophy just stay far away from this book.

Categories: Put Downs, Weekly Review | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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